Balmer Bullish on the Rapture

REUTERS  Redmond, WA -  Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer pumped up the energy at a homespun town hall event on the Redmond campus earlier today, hoping to bring some excitement to the Windows Phone 7 Developer’s Conference. Standing in a traditional blue shirt with darkened armpits, Ballmer got started quickly, marching around the stage and pumping up the crowd, yelling the words “The Cloud!” randomly at eager attendees.

Sophie Atad, 24, was near the front of the stage and was at first shaken by the extreme energy of the CEO.

“It’s like his sweat was leaping out of him and he was getting really pumped up about the cloud,” she said with a dazed look on her face. “I mean, when I think about Steve Ballmer, oh my god, Steve freaking Ballmer, and all he has done to improve our day to day lives, I mean, gosh, he’s like the closest thing to a rock star I have ever been perspired upon by before!”

Clipperson "Clippy" P. Clip - Local Douchebag

“Clippy” P. Clip, a local editor, was less than impressed by Ms. Atad’s statement, and asked if she would like some help with her grammar. When he was hurriedly rebuffed, he pressed further, asking Ms. Atad once more if she wouldn’t really really like some help with that editorial. Ms. Atad slapped Mr. Clip with a restraining order, and called a cab for the local Apple Store.

Inside the event, Ballmer was riling the crowd up further, now adding the words “Git 'er done!” to his “Cloud” mantra, and waving a large cardboard phone around the stage. 

“Look here folks! We’ve got a winner! It’s faster, better, and cheaper than everything we have copied before, and now it runs Windows Phone 7! Watch, watch, check this out…”

Ballmer tapped the screen and gestured wildly, attempting to log in. 

“I confess, I forget where the Ctr-Alt-Delete key is on this thing, but I swear, if I logged in right now, I could search Bing for the answer, and I’d have it on my screen before I even start typing!”

Ballmer paused his histrionics suddenly, for dramatic effect, and slowly turned to face the audience.

“I have a surprise announcement for everyone today, and it’s Big with a Capital R! Folks…we are at a crossroads in history, and today, I am announcing a bold new plan that will change our company’s history forever. That’s right, I’m announcing the biggest boldest move in the history of software!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to RaptureMe 1.0!!!” 

After a stunned gasp from the audience, Ballmer continued: 

“Folks, we all know the Rapture is coming, and it’s time to be prepared. Now, you may let your kids use some kind of cheaply downloaded app to participate in the Rapture, but you have to think on the corporate level! When the Rapture comes, where will your joy get backed up to? I don’t think you’ll be syncing it to iTunes, oh no.

That’s why we offer 17 different versions of the application, including 3 mobile apps, so you can easily pick the one that fits your needs best. Among the 17 “flavors,” as we’ll be calling them, are:”

RaptureMe Lite – A free download that saves your rapturous joy to the cloud. You can access this joy via your Zune only.

RaptureMe Home Edition – The paid edition that includes RaptureMe Lite as well as a free downloadable mobile app for saving your rapturous joy to the cloud and to your Windows 7 Phone, not to exceed 5 GB of joy. Buy a 5-person license and save when you want to upgrade to RaptureMe Home Edition Deluxe.

RaptureMe Home Edition Deluxe – This offering includes RaptureMe Lite, a free mobile app, a rapture stick, and unlimited backups to the cloud. Pair with a 5-site license and save for the whole family.

RaptureMe Pro – Saves your rapturous joy to SharePoint, and it includes a 25-seat site license. Requires Internet Explorer 10 and a dedicated server. Features LDAP integration so you can capture your joy from anywhere with a single login. RaptureMe Administrator and SQL Rapture Parser 2011 included.

Ballmer estimates that even if a paltry 35% of customers buy RaptureMe in the first year, it will be the most successful product launch ever for the company. Ballmer has promised a May 17 delivery, so customers have some time to test before the Rapture on May 21, 2011.

According to Ballmer’s estimate’s, this release should add a possible 30 million in sales the first year, but would likely fall to zero-growth after the Rapture actually occurs.

When asked about the Cloud services, and whether Microsoft could actually host and manage the many types of Rapturous joy that would be occuring, Ballmer pressed his palms together, and gave a sly wink.

“Our friends…over at Apple have been very busy building an entire Cloud server farm in North Carolina, and…stay with me here……we all know that they are heathen non-believers. They won’t be ready for the Rapture, and when the company as a whole is sucked into mortal Oblivion, we’ll move in and flip a few switches, and be online with our own new cloud farm. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?!?” he enthused, sweatingly.

Many have surmised that this is Ballmer’s make-or-break moment, when he can either firmly demonstrate his ability to keep Microsoft relevant, or whether this release plan will be the debacle that finally topples him from his post.